Why does the pain feel so good?

I am extremely guilty of being an emotional cutter. Songs, movies, pictures, anything that triggers an emotional or painful response can draw me in and push me into an emotional spiral. For example, the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. Yes - it reminds me of the tragic ending of Denny on "Grey's Anatomy," but the song itself just reminds me of any romantic moment of my life and any ounce of loneliness I may be feeling. The song is so powerful it's amazing the kind of pain it can bring out. Now if it comes on the radio and makes you cry, that's out of your control. But when you hear it once and then play it over and over because you love how painful it is, that is emotional cutting.

This behavior is definitely questionably unhealthy. I don't know why I do this. Over the years I think i've come to the acceptance that it just feels good to feel something. I've always been an sensitive and emotional person, and to feel a physical response to those emotions, whether it be tears or physical pain because a therapeutic release.

Let me put this in some real life context. Last week, I was on my way home from a night out in the city. I had text my ex (not really kosher for my MAN FREE promise, i know), but wasn't planning on seeing him. I just missed him because I was in our old neighborhood. He didn't respond. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but we hadn't spoken in a few weeks. In addition, I had just come from a happy hour with some old colleagues, and I was thrown by some of our conversations about how "free" and "glamorous" my life seemed. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. A lot of emotions I had been holding in all came out when "Chasing Cars" came on my headset. Boom! Tears on the Metro North.

What does a normal person do? Changes the song. Gets rid of the tears in a public place. What do I do? Hit repeat and listen to it over and over as the tears stream down my face for the rest of the train ride. When I got off the train, it was a total sob fest. But once I got in my car and just let it all out, I realized I hadn't cried like this in a long time. Sometimes we need that physical expression of emotion to validate our feelings and help move forward.

It's these moments of physical expression that help me feel alive. Crying, bleeding, feeling, all remind me that i'm human and it feels so good. It sounds dark, but it feels so good. I'd rather be drowning in pain, then not feel anything at all.

One of my favorite writers, r.m. drake describes this so well....