Guilty.

I am guilty. Guilty of not putting myself first. Not feeling confident in myself. Letting my anxiety get the best of me. Not writing on this blog! I'm blaming it on the grief i'm still getting over about my cousin's passing, but I now need to check back into reality and really get back to the positive place that I was in. It's been a struggle. I'm not sure if it's because it now has been SO long since i've gone on a date, or because i'm just not mentally in that place anymore, but i'm struggling. I've been talking to a few guys from online dating and I just can't seem to go forward with a date.

Sometimes what we need is a lazy Sunday. A day to do laundry, go on long walks, vacuum, dust, all ways to metaphorically clean out our minds. In combination with some major retail therapy that I did yesterday (also feeling guilty about), i'm ready to get back to life tomorrow. I've scheduled a fitness class for this week, to get back into a workout routine (slowly but surely). Planned out some outfits for this week, that I know will make me feel great about myself. Pulled out some of my favorite recipes to make for dinner this week, a pastime that always makes me feel productive and independent. AND I paid all my bills for the week ahead of time so I don't have to worry about them the day of. Just a few little things but they all add up to hopefully getting me back to a good place.

I also turn 27 this week. As ridiculous as it sounds, i'm at the point where my birthday gives me anxiety. I usually love my birthday! Last year I went to Vegas! But now, being this single, it stresses me out. That life timeline I have in the back of my mind is ticking. But it also makes me feel grown up. It's motivating me to actually look at myself as an adult.

I keep thinking about what I want to do for my birthday. My friends and family keep asking me what I want to do. But honestly, I kind of just want to spend it with some good food, my dog and a movie. Is that weird? Vegas to home alone on the couch in one year? I think it may be a good symbolic move for me to spend it by myself. I'll put this whole loving myself and putting myself first thing to work!

Honestly, based on my options, it's probably the more healthy option at this point. I'll probably end up spending it with my ex-bf in the city and in the apt we used to share together. Talk about going backwards.

Time will tell. In the meantime, i'm shaking off this guilt and getting ready for a great week :)