"It's like my life is buffering"

Today is “Throwback Thursday.” Let me throwback to when I actually kept up on this blog. It’s been at good 4-5 months and 2-3 guys since I’ve put together a post. I don’t really have an excuse and I’m not going to do the thing we all did in our diaries growing up “I will write in you everyday!” because, well, I don’t want to set myself for failure. But I think this could help me get the refresh I need.

 

Usually I love a good life refresh. Coming off of a contract, relationship, moving to a new place, whatever the spark is, doesn’t matter. Put me in a position that I need to organize a plan and execute on my calendar gives me such a life orgasm. I’m not sure why I can’t seem to get my shit together this time. Let me layout my current need for a refresh as quick as possible:

 

Work: The US Open is over. My current job description kind of looks like this: ???!@NSKD???? Meaning I can extend my contract as long as I would like but I don’t quite know what I’m doing when I’m sitting the office. As a career-oriented person who thrives off being busy, productive, and moving forward, this is frustrating to me. I enjoy working here, but don’t want to stay if it’s just going to stay status quo. Long story short, I don’t have a plan yet and it’s making me anxious.

 

Love Life: My long-term ex and I haven’t spoken in over 2 months. No communication. Nada. The guy I was trying on in August and September turned out to be keeping me as a back-burner bitch. An entire post dissecting this I’m sure will come. I currently have a crush but I’m too much of a pussy to make a move. Long story short, I’m alone again.

 

Friends: My friends are wonderful. I love everything about them. Except their locations. They are scattered all over the country and this wasn’t more apparent to me until when I found myself going through a break-up and no one was bringing me over ice cream.

 

Family: ? Well. Status Quo.

 

Me: I’m realizing my attitude here may be a little pathetic. Wah. I’m lonely and un-motivated. It’s the kind of thing I would usually ready and think put your big girl panties on and fix it. Make a plan. Something I love to do. However, I’ve been having trouble finding motivation to do that. I can’t bring myself to hit that refresh button. Instead, I'm just watching the video while it's buffering, waiting in anticipation to let it play out.

 

I don’t know why it’s been tough to hit the refresh. Maybe I’m out of refreshes and I need to close the browser and re-open. All I know is that something needs to happen. CUE VEGAS.

 

It just so happens I have a lovely 9 days planned coming up. Cape Cod - > Boston - > NY - > LA - > VEGAS! I’m pretty much visiting the best of the best people in my life over the next 9 days, seeing some of my favorite places in the country, and oh yes, dancing my ass off. Without putting all my eggs in one basket, I can only hope some kind of clarity of what the next step is in my life.

STAY TUNED

Guilty.

I am guilty. Guilty of not putting myself first. Not feeling confident in myself. Letting my anxiety get the best of me. Not writing on this blog! I'm blaming it on the grief i'm still getting over about my cousin's passing, but I now need to check back into reality and really get back to the positive place that I was in. It's been a struggle. I'm not sure if it's because it now has been SO long since i've gone on a date, or because i'm just not mentally in that place anymore, but i'm struggling. I've been talking to a few guys from online dating and I just can't seem to go forward with a date.

Sometimes what we need is a lazy Sunday. A day to do laundry, go on long walks, vacuum, dust, all ways to metaphorically clean out our minds. In combination with some major retail therapy that I did yesterday (also feeling guilty about), i'm ready to get back to life tomorrow. I've scheduled a fitness class for this week, to get back into a workout routine (slowly but surely). Planned out some outfits for this week, that I know will make me feel great about myself. Pulled out some of my favorite recipes to make for dinner this week, a pastime that always makes me feel productive and independent. AND I paid all my bills for the week ahead of time so I don't have to worry about them the day of. Just a few little things but they all add up to hopefully getting me back to a good place.

I also turn 27 this week. As ridiculous as it sounds, i'm at the point where my birthday gives me anxiety. I usually love my birthday! Last year I went to Vegas! But now, being this single, it stresses me out. That life timeline I have in the back of my mind is ticking. But it also makes me feel grown up. It's motivating me to actually look at myself as an adult.

I keep thinking about what I want to do for my birthday. My friends and family keep asking me what I want to do. But honestly, I kind of just want to spend it with some good food, my dog and a movie. Is that weird? Vegas to home alone on the couch in one year? I think it may be a good symbolic move for me to spend it by myself. I'll put this whole loving myself and putting myself first thing to work!

Honestly, based on my options, it's probably the more healthy option at this point. I'll probably end up spending it with my ex-bf in the city and in the apt we used to share together. Talk about going backwards.

Time will tell. In the meantime, i'm shaking off this guilt and getting ready for a great week :)

Another week, another challenge! 7-Day Smartphone Detox

To assist with this MEN FREE lent i'm having and to help me disconnect from focusing on male attention, I think that it's a perfect time for some Smartphone Detox.

PopSugar has created an excellent 7-day detox that i'm going to start tomorrow. It's great because it's not a cold-turkey, go 7 days without your phone, because in this day of age we need it to work and interact with anyone, but I love the steps they have each day. They are great steps to helping you clean out the clutter in your digital life. Think you can do it?

P.S. as an extra challenge, i'm adding no selfies all week!

Read more about the challenge on PopSugar!