I'm 2 weeks into this MAN FREE lent and overall, I think its been really helpful. I've really been able to take a step back and reflect on myself and let's be honest, my relationships with men. However today I was feeling restless. With the rest of my life falling into place, I couldn't help feeling lonely and eager to start dating again.
While driving around doing errands in my car (this is where I do my best thinking), I was thinking about how you actually start a relationship with someone. When starting to see a guy, I always feel this awkward internal struggle with showing that I care while not looking too eager. I feel like if I act like I don't care and i'm just looking for something casual, they're going to completely disregard me and file me into that "booty call" cabinet in their minds. If I show that I care, they are going to get scared off and think I want to marry them the next day. It's this weird balancing act that makes me feel like I have to tip toe around what I say and do, constantly having to strategize my next move. Why do I feel this way?
Oh right! REAL LIFE experience. This is how men act. The game is a real thing, intentional or not. When I look at my past situations, I find that I was constantly compromising myself to avoid being pegged. Whether that means acting like I was interested in a relationship so that they wouldn't think I was just in it to hit and and quit it (even though I may have been), or acting like I wasn't looking for anything serious so they didn't write me off right away, I was adjusting how I behaved and what I really wanted because I was trying to find a way to fit into their lives. It sounds so ridiculous as I sit here and type this. Why was I letting them have the control and acting like I had something to prove to them?
I've had this conversation with friends who have been in the dating field longer than me and they definitely have a more grounded perspective. Understanding who they are and what they are worth allows them to find guys that prove themselves to them and value/respect them. I have not been in that place because I a) am struggling to be secure in my own skin, b) have no idea what I want with men c) am constantly desperate for male attention. I know I silly this sounds, but admitting it is the first step right?
Now this doesn't apply to all men. I'm not saying i'll go out with any guy shows me attention. I do have SOME standards. The point of all of this is that i'm compromising myself and what I want. Why am I pretending what I want, to fit into what they want, to ultimately get what I want? WTF?! That doesn't even make sense.
It's what i've felt since I broke up with my ex a few years ago. You can't fully be there for someone and secure in a relationship unless you are secure with yourself and honest with what you want. Once this lent is over and I slowly make my way back into the dating pool, I vow to stay true to myself and honest with what I want. If it doesn't work out, it's not meant to be. Not great relationship can come from somebody lying about who they are. Cut out the middle "to fit into what they want" and just get straight to the what I want. If it's right, our wants will match without either of us playing a game.
This may be too idealistic. I know that will be difficult to uphold when I encounter very attractive men, some who may even have even more adorable dogs, and I so badly find myself wanting to fit into their lives. But I just have to remember, First Comes Me.
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